Will the "Not Doing Enough" Mom Please Stand Up?
by Dawn Goldberg

Description: Suffering from "supermom" syndrome? Doing too much may not be what's best for you or your family.

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I'm on the board of directors for my local chamber of commerce. At a meeting last week, the chairman of the board came up to me and thanked me for all I do for the chamber. I responded graciously, all the while thinking, "I really don't do that much. I could be making more calls to the new chamber members (instead of leaving them until the last minute). I could volunteer more. And, oh, I haven't done anything about that task force I'm supposed to be leading."

I do the same thing with my passion for recycling. When we have guests over, I dig through the trash and pull out the bottles and cans to throw in the recycling bin. We recycle every scrap of paper, even going so far as to pull out the plastic thingies from new clothes' tags so that I can put the paper tag in the recycling. I return all the plastic grocery shopping bags to the stores' recycling. I do a lot.

However, there's this part of me saying, "I could do more. We could pick up the trash, especially the recyclables from the side of the road. I should see how we can reduce our consumption in general so that we're not using so much. In fact, we're really irresponsible when it comes to all the bottled water we drink. We should use our own water bottles and refill them instead of buying cases of bottled water."

See how it never ends? We do so much, yet we don't think we do enough. Why is that?

I think part of it is that we women, generally, are nurturers and caretakers. It makes sense that it is we who get things done. We've all heard "If you want something done, ask a busy person." It's probably more accurate to say, "If you want something done, ask a mom."

Another part is that we get a rush out of being in control and in charge. I'll hold up my hand right now and say that I like being known as the person other people can count on. I can get it done. I like having the answers. I like being known as a capable, competent person.

I'm not alone. I have a friend who sent this to me in e-mail: "All is going great here . . . crazy busy for me as usual. I'm starting up a Daisy Girl Scout troop as well as the PTA, Roller Skating, and BlackRock jobs I do. Maybe someday I'll settle down to just one or two jobs..."

Why would we even say yes to all those things?

I have another friend who never let her husband make any decisions. If she was going out with girlfriends in the evening, she cooked dinner for the kids and bathed them before she left (sometimes that meant 4:00 p.m. in the afternoon!). I think she wanted to be known as the expert. She liked being superwoman. It gave her a sense of power. She didn't want to relinquish any bit of that power to her husband.

Maybe that's it. Maybe we get a sense of power, ownership, and validation from doing so much. And then we want more, so the "I'm not doing enough" pattern sets in.

What does this do to us? Especially as people, individuals? When we're going, going, going, where are we going? Do we even know? Maybe it's okay if we don't do so much and we just are who we are. Maybe we can find our validation in other sources, like in being a good person, or in not being so crazy busy all the time. What if we became well-rested, well-balanced people?

Here's something interesting. At first, I wanted to write that last sentence above as, "What if we became well-rested, well-balanced people that others could look up to?" See, I still have that problem of wanting to be the best, to be someone that others admire. I have to work on just being me, regardless of what others think.

Next time, when the chairman of the board tells me I'm doing so much and such a great job, I'll thank him gracefully, and I'll tell my "not doing enough" voices to hit the road.

Dawn Goldberg is the Chief Writing Officer of Write Well University, COO of Assist University, mother, community leader, and former teacher. Her vision is to create a resource that helps parents find ways to enjoy valuable, constructive time with their children every day. Sign up for the After School Snacks newsletter at http://www.afterschoolsnacks.com for inspirational, helpful articles on parenting as well as fast, healthy, delicious snacks for any time of the year.

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